Move Over Jack the Ripper…


…there’s a new killer in town, and it goes by the name “radio”. No, I’m not talking about the mentally-handicapped guy Cuba Gooding Jr. plays in the 2003 movie “Radio”, that would just be rude, now wouldn’t it? I’ve never seen the movie, but I’m sure the guy wouldn’t have harmed a fly. Anyways, I’m talking about THE radio, as in the one you listen to on your daily commute. Although I try to steer clear of listening to the radio, it’s become harder to do ever since my iTrip broke about a month ago, thus leads me to labeling the radio as today’s number one killer; of songs, that is.

Tell me, have you ever been on a road trip, and either A) your copilot forgot to bring this years “Summer Jamz Mixtape Vol. 69”, forcing you to listen to the radio, or B) your copilot indeed brought said “Summer Jamz Mixtape Vol. 69”, but you’re getting tired of the songs, so you turn to the radio for your listening pleasure?

If you answered “yes” to either of those options, please continue reading. If

you answered “no”, screw you; you probably fall asleep on road trips and your friend hates you,

so read this and stay awake.

Now, when listening to the radio, have you ever been flipping through the stations and heard the same song on three, four, sometimes five different stations?

If you answered “yes”, please continue reading. If you answered “no”, screw you again; 

your iTrip probably works, or you have an AUX input

to plug your iPhone/Android/[Insert music device here] and I’m jealous, so keep

reading to make me feel better about myself.

If you fancy that song and you’re a girl, you may look at your copilot and scream like you did when you heard there is going to be a “Fifty Shades of Grey/Gray” (I never know how to spell it, so I figured it’s better to be safe than sorry, you Grey/Gray Nazi’s; also, I didn’t want to open up a new tab to check the title, because…distractions, duhhhh) movie coming out. Or, if you’re a guy, you play it cool by looking at your co-captain, giving the “this song is the shit” head-nod (it’s okay, we all know you’re screaming on the inside like the girls mentioned above). But, what happens when the song is over, a shitty song comes on after, you change the station and hear the song we established you fancied earlier again, and the cycle continues? I don’t care who you are, you’ll get annoyed.

One example I have for you all deals with the ever-talented Lorde, and her song “Royals”. I’m man enough to admit that I dig that song. Not only do I like the beat of it, but I also think she has a unique voice (does that make me a pedophile? Because she’s 17…ehhhh, fuck it). Anyways, I’m starting to get sick of that song. I heard that song on the Radio about a month ago on DC 101 – probably the only radio station I listen to, even though it sometimes blows. They introduced it as “first time ever airing on the radio”, which I feel like is a publicity stunt to build credibility. While I listened to it, I did a mixture of the screaming and “this song is the shit” nod mentioned earlier. It was kind of like a, “THIS IS MY NEW SHIT!”, while bobbing my head ferociously through the mean streets of Old Town, in my shirt in tie during afternoon rush hour.

Fast forward to this morning at about 8:15 AM. There I was again, scowling the heavy streets of Old Town in my shirt and tie during my morning commute when “Royals” came on. Except this time, a song that once made me go ape shit made me moan and groan like a 13 year-old girl whose dad came down to the basement during girls night (does that make him a pedophile, too?!). I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON EVERY 15 MINUTES NOW! I was so mad, I turned the radio off until I got to work, because the radio committed yet another killing of a song. Thanks, radio. Now I have to wait at least 4-5 months until you stop playing the song all together, so when I do hear it again it’s considered a “classic”, thus resulting in my “girl scream/this song is the shit” antics. Thoughtless bastard…

Oh, and go Red Sox!


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