I Like it Firm.


“What is this? You’re posting something two days in a row? Are you sick?” You may be asking yourself these questions, but rest assured I am not sick (luckily). I just feel with my MASSIVE fan base I’ve been slacking a little in posting stuff, so I’m going to try and post more often. It’s all for my fans!

Hopefully the title of this post hooked you faster than a redneck catching a fish on the first morning of fishing season (are there even seasons when it comes to fishing? I sure as hell don’t know). But, apart from my lack of knowledge on outdoor extra curricular activities, I can promise you the title is not what it sounds like. Seriously. I’m not that kind of guy. I’m talking about handshakes, you perverts.

Why am I talking about handshakes? Well, young grasshopper, I am talking about handshakes because I just had an experience – involving a handshake, if you were wondering – that leaves many men feeling weaker than they actually are. Ever since I moved to the desk at the front of the office I’ve been shaking a lot of visitors hands. Just now, literally 10 minutes ago, I had a terrible handshake from a gentleman that walked in.

Let me try to describe to you as best I can what a normal handshake is, because there may be some of you who are too embarrassed to say you are unaware. A normal handshake consists of two individuals extending their hands, overlapping their thumbs on the top of the other persons hand, so both palms are touching, squeezing, allowing for both individuals to exert as much strength as they so choose, and moving their hands up and down. Easy enough, right?

Now I’m 6’1″, 160 pounds, so I look pretty weak to the naked eye. But, I like to think I’m as ripped as Brad Pitt in Fight Club (he’s so dreamy) so, whenever I shake someone’s hand I try with all of my might to make sure it’s firmer than theirs. That was not the case this time. This gentleman decided to prematurely close his hand before reaching full handshake form, resulting in him grabbing my fingers. HOW AM I, OR ANYONE FOR THAT MATTER, SUPPOSED TO GIVE A FIRM HANDSHAKE WHEN YOU’RE SQUEEZING MY FINGERS?! IT’S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe my mind deceives me, and I am weaker than I think I am…*sigh*

I feel so vulnerable right now. If you need me, I’ll be the one swerving in and out of traffic on my way home, crying my eyes out, to be with the only girl that know’s how to make me feel better in situations like these. Her name is 4, PlayStation 4 (read in a Pierce Brosnan accent).

(Side note: THANK GOD for WordPress’s ability to autosave your posts, because I just closed out of the window when preparing to leave work. Fucking handshakes…)


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