Stuck on You


It’s getting to be that time of the year again. The time where the days are shorter and the nights are longer; the time where it was 11 degrees outside yesterday, but today is a scorching 43 and you’re content with that. Tucked away in the depths of your closets are the cargo jorts and bro tanks (thank, fucking, god) and out come the hoodies, jeans, and flannels. I’m usually stoked about this time of the year – as you can tell by the posted link – but there’s still one thing that drives me absolutely insane about the cold.

It’s not the fact I have to run out to my car in the mornings, toothbrush in mouth while toothpaste oozes out onto my shirt, to start it while I finish getting ready. Nor is it the fact I have to take back the jacket I bought five days ago, and have worn religiously since,  because the hip, young cashier never took the ink-thing off (it actually looks like something that belongs on the jacket, like, a compartment that holds the spool of wire I use to scale buildings at night, so I’ll probably keep it). It’s something even more annoying than someone giving you shit about wearing said jacket indoors, because SUPPOSEDLY IT’S NOT POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE AND MAINTAIN THE PERFECT BODY TEMPERATURE TO BE COMFORTABLE WHILE WEARING IT INSIDE OF THE OFFICE.  GAAHHHHHH DAMN.

It’s the increase of static electricity in the air.

Holy shit.

Nothing is more annoying than pushing the hair out of your face and having it lay flat on your forehead. If this doesn’t happen to you, I’ll put it into perspective, you lucky little punk: you know when you pull your clothes out of the dryer and your sock is stuck to a pair of sweatpants? You then have to peel that sock loose with what seems to be as much force as prying the new Elsa doll out of the hands of a 5 year old girl? Yeah, consider my forehead Princess Elsa and my hair those tiny, somehow very strong hands. It’s the most uncomfortable feeling in the world.

And, to make matters worse, try taking off a sweat shirt/t-shirt without conducting enough static electricity to keep the whole Northern Virginia community lit. I bet you $50 doll-hairs you can’t do it. You’ll come out of that procedure looking like you stuck a fork in a socket. Then, you just feel like you’re being touched by some stranger in uncomfortable places. It’s not a fun feeling to have.

With my forehead being stuck in ECJ (Electrical County Jail) for most of the day, I decided to consult the most dependable doctor of the 21st century to find out why static electricity is worse in cold temperatures than warmer ones: the internet.

“The reason static is more problematic in cold weather is because of low humidity of the air. ‘Relative humidity’ (rh) is the percentage of moisture held in the air compared to the maximum it could hold at that temperature. So, 50% rh means the air has only half the amount of moisture it could hold. It turns out that static is promoted if rh drops below about 30%.”

Hmmm…seems pretty logical, and something I could have guessed if I had given it the time of day. But, here at my big boy desk job, I don’t have the time of day to think about that kind of stuff. Instead, I have to improvise. For instance, today I had to pour some of the water from my water bottle into my hands and run my hands through my hair to release my confined forehead from suffocation (the lengths I go to to maintain this beautiful head of hair I have). I probably came out of that situation looking like I took a Mexican shower at my desk. (Side note – there was some guy taking one of those in the bathroom at work yesterday. It was really weird and made me very uncomfortable when I went to wash my hands.)

My advice? I don’t have any. I’m still trying to come up with some, seeing as how I’m living this nightmare day by day. If you have any suggestions, I demand you tell me. Until then, I’ll just keep my water bottle near by.

Is it Spring yet?