It’s raining outside. There’s nothing better than the rain. Rain provides water for our agriculture, which in turn provides jobs for people to gather said agriculture, which ultimately provides the human race with food. Rain gives us lazy people even more of a reason not to leave the house – “I mean, the sun is out, but there’s also a 30% chance of rain at 5:00pm, and if I go outside, I’ll stay out past 5:00pm for sure. Better not risk it!” Rain is relatable to so many good things, but there’s one thing that sucks about rain:
What in the absolute fuck is the point of a mosquito? They have to be the worst species of life on this planet. All they do is buzz around and suck the blood from us humans, then leave you with this itchy, red bump on your body that causes you to scratch yourself until you bleed to relive the pain. You remember that one time your dad pointed out a prostitute to you and said, “Hey, son, check it out: it’s a walking STD!”? Well, I want you to go up to him right now, remind him of that time, and then tell him he was wrong (not because of what he said, but because he was truly wrong). Then proceed to tell him that mosquitoes are in fact the equivalent of walking, well, flying STD’s, because they pretty much transfer blood from one thing to another. You’re dad will be so impressed with your creativity and critical thinking abilities that he’ll retire early and jump on your back for the rest of his life, which might not be bad, because the mosquitoes can bite him instead of you.
I live in the mosquito version of Dave and Busters. Mosquitoes come here to feed on terrible, half-priced apps, bad service, and games you can never win (that’s unfair of me to say, because I’ve never been to a D&B, but I can make a very, very strong assumption). My apartment complex is surrounded by wooded areas, and inside the complex itself we have three man-made ponds. Every time I step outside, I come back in with at least 5 new mosquito bites. Often times these flying demons sneak into our house when we open the door to go out/come in, and I hear them buzzing around me, but I CAN NEVER KILL THEM, SO THEY LINGER AROUND LIKE A DOG FART; THEY’RE LITERALLY FEEDING ON MY GIRLFRIEND AND ME AS WE SLEEP! It’s getting to the point where my whole entire body will soon become one giant bump, and I’ll probably die due to the amount of other people’s blood I have coursing through my veins.
I took Zoë out one day, and while I was standing there waiting for her to do her business (because business is done outside, not inside) two mosquitoes landed ever so daintily on my ankle. These mosquitoes couldn’t have been more than an inch from one another, happily sucking days away from my lifespan. After a moment of oblivion on my part, I finally noticed and happily murdered them on my own bare skin, because fuck’em, that’s why. Upon lifting my hand as I basked in the glory of defeating everyone’s enemy, I saw enough blood on my ankle for the blood bank down the road to meet its monthly quota. Seriously, if I hadn’t of noticed these two on my ankle, they probably wouldn’t have had the strength to fly away with how much blood of mine they consumed. They’d roll away, laughing at me, as my foot changed from normal foot color to not normal foot color.
In all seriousness though, I was curious as to what purpose mosquitoes serve, so I consulted everyone’s smartest friend: Google. I found a link to a website called “Quora”, which is a website where top-of-their-profession individuals provide everyone else with answers and knowledge on pretty much anything. I should have stopped after reading the layman’s-termed answer Google gave me, because a “Neuroscience PhD and all-around bio geek” (that’s really what she called herself) provided me with an answer that made me feel stupid, which lead to a state of serious annoyance. I mean, her answer was upvoted by an Organismic and Evolutionary Biologist for christ sakes. Seriously? I’ve never even heard of that.
I went on to read a few more, which I find weird now after having gone on that rant about hating the first answer so much, and found out mosquitoes are an integral part of many ecosystems. They’ve been around for over 100-million years, and if they were to all of a sudden vanish, many other species would suffer due to a loss of a primary food source. One answer also stated mosquitoes help with preventing overpopulation of the human species, due to carrying and transferring deadly viruses. I guess that’s good, right? I don’t know. Shortly after reading all of these answers I closed my computer out of frustration fueled by stupidity. I felt like the kid in class who had a question, contemplated asking the question because he thought it was stupid, disobeyed his conscious and asked it anyway, then heard the faint chuckles from the back of the class after asking – “Now, class, no question is “stupid”, but some are pretty damn close.” Fuck you, Mrs. Jones…