That’s Not My Name (x4)


Do you ever dread ordering things over the phone because of your name? How about introducing yourself to a stranger at a loud bar? No? You have no problem with this? Your name must be something hip, like, “Purple” or “Cucumber”. For us po’folk who have a name that sounds similar to another name, introducing ourselves can be quite aggravating, whether it be over the phone or via face-to-face confrontation. You’ll either have to spell it out for the other person or simply sit through a long list of them spitting out names before you go all, “CONGRATU-FUCKIN-LATIONS! YOU FINALLY GOT IT RIGHT. BYE.” on them. And, with a name like “Manny” you can only imagine which ones I get called (actually, some of them are pretty unbelievable). I’ve been called Danny, Mandy (do I look like a fucking Mandy to you?!), Randy, Manti, probably Aaron or Chris; it’s stupid. My name’s been misheard so many times, I probably should just make up a name the next time I order something (“What’s that? You want my name? Oh, yeah, it’s Ambulance”). Every so often, when my name is heard and spelled correctly, I want to give the other person a couple bites of my meal as a trophy, but then I think back to the pain and depression I get when people mess it up and I rescind my offer. Up until a couple weeks ago, when I was given a nice surprise…

It was a brisk, fall Sunday morning in Northern Virginia. The birds were chirping, the leaves were falling, and one of my roommates and I were on our way to a local Wingstop (the perfect way to ease the pain of being a Redskins fan). Now, kids from my high school have been going to this place for years, so we’re pretty much one big’ole wings loving family, but there have been some new employee additions, which meant the girl at the register didn’t know me. Seeing as how I hadn’t been to Wingstop in quite sometime, I wasn’t going to let the chances of her mishearing my name spoil my 100% grass-fed, certified-A chicken wings. I swallowed my pride, placed my order, was told it would take 14 minutes, folded up my receipt and sat down.

14 minutes later

At this point I’m starting to get antsy. I take my receipt out of my pocket to see what time I placed my order (don’t give me a time and not stick to your word, god damn it), already embracing myself for the “MANDY” I’m going to read at the top of the receipt, and that’s when I saw it. I froze. My eyes got wide, like the first time I ever saw a naked woman in the movies (not like when you’re watching said movie with your parents, that’s usually when you pull the, “is someone at the door?” card). I can’t believe what I’m reading. Right under the time of the order, which was MORE THAN 14 MINUTES AGO, was a name. A name I’m well aware of. A name I have never seen before in these situations. A name that almost brought a tear to my eye: Manuel.

No, Charlie Day, that IS my name! Can you believe it?! I certainly can’t!

After my excitement wore off, I started to freak out a little bit. Was this a woman I met in another life? How did she know my real name? Did she travel back in time to let me know everything was going to be alright? So many questions left unanswered. I didn’t even care that I told her my name was “Manny” and she put “Manuel”, so, technically speaking, she still got it wrong. I was in complete shock, yet it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. Yeah, I’ve graduated college; witnessed the Red Sox win the World Series not once, not twice, but three times in my life; traveled to islands off the coast of Portugal; but, this? This is what dreams are made of.

I learned a pretty valuable lesson that day: when people ask for my name, I should use “Manuel”. That, or seek out the Spanish people when placing my order. They almost always get it correct.


Hail to the…Wait, Aren’t they 0-2? RGIII Sucks.



Photo Cred: I don’t even know. I’m too lazy to go back and check my history #sorryzzz

Contrary to the title of this post, I’m not going to bash RGIII for his lack of play in 2013, especially after the fact he’s still miraculously coming back from reconstructive knee surgery that he underwent in January earlier this year. Instead, I’m going to defend him. It’s not RGIII’s fault the Redskins are 0-2. It’s just easy for people, and the media to use him as the scapegoat, because of his successful Rookie campaign, in which he went on to lead the Skins to the NFC East division title. With that being said, let me start my rant of defense (something, if I may, you SHOULD be blaming the Redskins for lacking in):

Hold on…let me break out my nerdy glasses and throw some statistics out at you guys, because who doesn’t love statistics? In 2012, the Redskins were 1-1 after two games (a whopping one game better than they currently are). In those two games, RGIII was a combined 39-55 for 526 yards, with 3 touchdowns and 1 interception. He also ran the ball 20 times for 124 yards and 2 touchdowns. Let’s look at 2013. As you may have noticed from the title, the Skins are 0-2 in the early-going of 2013. In these 2 games, RGIII is a combined 56-89 for 649 yards, with 5 touchdowns and 3 interceptions. He’s also run the ball 9 times for 25 yards and no touchdowns. Please, tell me, what is there to blame on RGIII? If you say, “he’s only run the ball 5 times in the past two games. That’s worthy of some blame” I hereby dub you as a moron. Yeah, I said it; a MORON.

“But, Manny, what about Adrian Peterson? He had a monster year after he practically went through the same surgery!”

Last time I checked, Adrian Peterson is a running back, and his main job is to, well, run (you learn something new everyday). RGIII is a quarterback, and his main job is to either throw the ball or hand it off to those guys who run the ball…what do you call them again? Oh, yeah, Adrian Peterson’s. Unless it’s a designed run play for RGIII, he shouldn’t be thinking about running the ball. His knee may be 100% structurally, but he isn’t 100% game ready. Also, the answer isn’t to bench him for Captain Kirk Cousins (no offense Kirk). RGIII desperately needs the reps.

So, before you all turn your back on RGIII faster than Regina George did to Cady Heron in Mean Girls (yeah, I made a Mean Girls reference, so what?) I want you to ask yourself a few questions:

  • Do you not hold your breath every time RGIII runs the ball and/or gets hit? I know I sure as hell do.
  • Did you really expect him to be in pristine playing condition after not playing any contact football for the first 8 months of 2013? If you did, please refer to how I feel about individuals who blame the fact he hasn’t run the ball that much for their 0-2 start; it’s along those lines.
  • And, last but not least, do you not remember what the Redskins record was when they reached their bye-week last season (this coming when RGIII was, in fact, 100% healthy with no knee problems)? After a devastating loss to the Panthers (who I can say may be the Houston Astros of the NFL, after being tortured to watch them for the past 4 years while down at school in South Carolina) the Skins were 3-6, and no one would even put them in the same sentence as the word “playoffs”.

It’s been two games. RGIII’s already proved doubters wrong by returning in time for the first game of the season. May I remind you of the $10,000 fine-resulting t-shirt he wore during his road to recovery? It stated “Operation Patience”. Don’t get your panties in a bunch.